Why Hello There!

How exactly does one become a member of the ACADEMY, you ask? Excellent question
<Insert Name Here>! Our secrets have been shrouded in mystery for decades, but now, as a special treat, we'll be revealing them to you for 10 easy payments of $99.99! (Checks are to be made out to "The Academy Student Council") Order no-

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-Thank you for purchasing this instructional video! Follow these easy steps, and you may just find yourself on a one way trip to the ACADEMY of Superpowered Youths! Remember, we're baselessly judging you upon every aspect of your being to decide if you're even worthy enough to be amongst our presence. So smile big!

Step 1: The Application

On one of our many recruiting sites (The Application Thread), our beloved Dean Henderson will read application letters written by your parental guardian describing your abilities, personality, defining traits, shoe size, number of pets, preferred chewing gum flavor, and favorite professional badminton player during the year of 1988. After you have completed writing your letter, submit it to the Dean via the forum, where current members of the Academy will likely mock you and call you hurtful names. At this point, the Dean will briefly glance over your letter, remain unimpressed, and likely throw it into the garbage. Which brings us to…

Step 2: The Introduction

Since the Dean couldn't care less about you and your mediocre abilities, you have to resort to more drastic measures. Taking another copy of your letter firmly in hand, march directly to the Dean's office, puff up your chest, stand tall, and grovel at his feet like your very future depended on his next few words. (Freshman Roll Call) The Dean, being the delightful man he is, will then call the Security team stationed outside, who in turn will throw you into the Pit of a Thousand Horrors. Here, you will meet your potential classmates, all writhing and screaming in unbearable pain, as they are considered for admission and whittled down to mere shells of their former selves.

Step 3: The Orientation

Just as all hope seems lost and all your former humanity has been stripped, one of our senior students will appear to rescue you from this wretched hell. (Freshman Orientation) Congratulations! You've been admitted into one of the most prestigious schools for superpowered teenagers in all the country! From here, your guide will give you a quick tour of the school and introduce you to our many learning facilities. These include: the Science Labs, where you'll be creating all sorts of mechanized and biological atrocities; the Arcane Halls, where you'll learn of mystical spells and beings that can tear the mere souls of men from their fleshy forms by simply glancing at them; and of course, the Humanities Classrooms, where you'll learn the finer points of grammar and world literature.

Upon the completion of the tour, your guide will show you to your quarters; a small, 3'x3' closet space where you'll be spending your next four years! Their job complete, your temporary mentor will leave you to your fate, having earned the right to receive one more helping of gruel during tonight's feast. Now you, alone in your small living space with nothing more than a patch of hay to sleep on, would be wise to get some rest! Classes begin tomorrow, and you wouldn't want to look worn out on your first day, would you? I didn't think so!

So there you have it! Now get started on that letter
<Insert Name Here>, you have a long future ahead of you at the ACADEMY!

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